This story is not a happy one. It’s pure tragedy. It’s a world of hurt, sadness, disappointment and bad luck rolled into one giant ball of…of…hey, let me just let you figure it out. You will either love this story or absolutely hate it. There’s no middle ground. But for that, you actually have to read the story, don’t you now? 🙂 Read on fellow hooman.
It’s the year 2022. Almost half of February has rolled by. Now, you may be thinking, “Wait, we made it all the way to next year?” Yes friend, we did. We survived.
Every single 1 like = 1 prayer and every single “This too shall pass ♥️” post on social media is what got us through the pandemic. Inspired by the egg that got liked more than Kylie Jenner’s picture on Instagram, a mad lad named Jignesh created an Instagram page named “GoCoronaGo”, with the handle “@coronabegone”. He posted a single picture on his feed: a picture of Batman pointing the middle finger at the camera.
The caption read:
“Hello frendz, my buddy Batman asked me to share this photo with you guyzz to beat Corona…1 like = 100 prayers freyndzz. So, like this post and share it to make Corona go away and support Batman’s efforts. Share it quickly so Corona has no chance! #GoCoronaGo.”
That was it. One photo. One photo that started it all. One photo that started the biggest social media revolution in history. Within 3 days, the post had gathered 70 million likes. Now look, remember when Jignesh said that 1 like = 100 prayers? He wasn’t kidding. 70 million multiplied by 100. You do the math. That’s a lot of prayers. God heard those prayers. But before I reveal the next part of the story, let me give you some crucial backstory.
Here is the call recording from the Heaven-Earth Control Room (HECR) archives, dated 15 December, 2019.
God: Hello, HECR?
Operator: Yes, my Lord? I am at your service. What is it that you seek?
God: Could you give me an update on the angel named David I sent to Earth a few weeks ago? He was one of my best men, I’m kinda missing him. And strangely, he hasn’t responded to any of my calls.
Operator: Of course, my Lord, I shall check immediately.
God: Make it quick. I have other stuff to do. I need to give Duffy the Unicorn a bath. He smells like shit after he came back from Earth yesterday.
Operator: My Lord, it appears that we have a problem.
God: What happened?
Operator: David assumed the form of a ummm…bat…when descending from Heaven.
God: So? What does his Earthly form have to do with this? You know that it’s just standard visiting protocol. All the angels turn into some animal. What’s the big deal?
Operator: Well, my Lord, pardon me but…David was eaten.
God: He was eaten? Oh, but, wait WHAT? HE WAS EATEN??!! HOW?
Operator: I apologise, my Lord. There was a miscalculation in the landing coordinates. He landed in…Wuhan. The computer is showing that it’s located in a land called Chai-Na.
God: You know, when I created humans, I didn’t think they’d turn out to be so stupid. How did they not notice the Halo around David’s head?
Operator: He ummm…left it in Heaven my Lord. He didn’t have it with him.
God: *facepalming* I lost my best man. David was such a faithful angel. That’s it. I’ve had enough of these humans. Send another disease down there.
Operator: Which one, my Lord?
God: What’s the best one we’ve got right now?
Operator: The Deadly Ones are still in production my Lord. We just have a little respiratory virus stock remaining.
God: Ah, screw it. Dump all of that down there! I’m sick of these people.
Operator: *presses release button* The task is complete, my Lord.
God: Good, now get me my cleaning gear, I need to make Duffy the Unicorn squeaky clean again. HURRY UP! I don’t have all day.
And that, my dear readers, is how the “Coronavirus” began. So, that’s enough twiddling of our thumbs; let’s get back to the story.
400 million times 100 prayers. God checked his Instagram profile and his phone immediately hung. When it loaded 5 hours later, it was filled with prayers and one strange chant: “Go Corona Go”. God proclaimed that the name was very shitty. Seriously, “Corona”? That’s what they’re calling this? But God suddenly felt a tinge of guilt. He realized that he had been slightly too harsh. He also realized that he had completely forgotten to actually withdraw the disease. He was supposed to take it back after a few months. However, it had been over two years.
He had been too busy watching the thing with the “N” logo. Ah yes, “Netflix” as the humans called it. He was glad that the mortals had done thing right. At least they created Netflix so God too could stay entertained. And human shows and movies were just so much more amusing than the ones in Heaven. It was a wonder that God had only discovered Netflix recently. The humans on Netflix were so naive and downright stupid, but incredibly funny. He enjoyed watching their silly antics.
So, God decided that he should take back the disease. He called the Heaven-Earth Control Room again on 14 February, 2022.
God: Hell-oooo-ooooo? Anyone there?
Operator: Yes, my Lord, I’m here. I apologize. I was applying this shiny substance called “Nayl-Paynt” on my fingernails. I seem to have done quite a good job.
God: Okay, I did not need to know that. Cut the crap. Anyways, remember that David-getting-eaten incident?
Operator: Of course, my Lord, how could I forget.
God: Well, take back the disease, would you? Make it quick.
Operator: I have done as you commanded my Lord.
God: Good, go back to painting your nails or whatever.
And that was that. Just like that, on the 14th of February, 2022, the dreaded Coronavirus vanished. After killing 1.27 billion people across the globe, it disappeared. The patients in the hospitals suddenly could breathe normally again. It was truly a miracle. The world rejoiced.
And what about Jignesh, you ask? Jignesh went mad trying to convince everyone that his “viral post” from over a year ago was the reason for the disappearance of the virus. That was why God answered their prayers. Jignesh claimed that God understood their Instagram likes, each of which represented hundreds of prayers. Jignesh even argued that God used Instagram, which people dismissed as foolish talk. Boy, were they wrong.
Jignesh later even started a “God Fan Club” page on Instagram, with just 4 followers, all of the fake accounts that he created himself. But, while walking down the street one day, he got run over by a truck driver named Salman Khan. Jignesh died instantly. But sadly, no one recognized the efforts of the man who had saved them all. His madman status overshadowed his noble work in making that @coronabegone page.
Jignesh died a tragic death, but God pitied him and decided to keep him in Heaven. Jignesh became a little friend who taught God how to be an influencer on Instagram. God’s Fan Page (@godroxxx) now has over 2 billion followers. God is happy now. The humans still haven’t recovered from the year of trauma due to Corona. But God doesn’t care. God watches Netflix with Jignesh and plays with Duffy the Unicorn these days. That’s the good life.
